the delight in defeat

"i am on the phone, talking to you and your new boyfriend... it was painful, but i asked for this..."

8:35PM -- fighting the temptation to call you over the phone, i found myself in the middle of the swirls of Maelstrom and Charybdis, dialing your number with a span that seem to last for hours digit after digit... the last one being the most painful to press... "ringngngngng"... i can't believe i pulled that last one. moreso, i can't believe i'm hearing the ring on the other line.

you said, "hello". i missed my que. hearing nothing, again you said, "hello?". you're voice really does send excitement down my spine. while i can't believe what you told me earlier (that you are already committed), i shouldn't be surprised to accept that our conversation started with your retelling of how sweet you spent your time with your new boyfriend yesterday (which coincedentally is our supposed 14th month-sary). you asked me if i want to talk to him and out came the silliest, dumbest, and most masochistic word i said my entire life. i said, "YES." so you put me in conference with your new boyfriend...

the pain increased exponentially every second. within a few moments, i was bursting from within... a cry originating from the deepness of my heart wanted to be voiced out... a cry so overwhelming trying to overcome my egoistic approach on this matters... i was speechless for a few seconds... afraid to open my mouth for this is the time my emotion has been waiting for - the time to let you know that i am hurting. but i was stronger.

when we parted ways, days back, i made a vow unto myself never to be seen weak - never to be seen crying - especially by you. and so you will never know. that, in the face of defeat, instead of crying, you see me standing tall -- joyed.

between the reader and me, you were just a fictional someone. you were just a mind-created pain, artistically personified.

"i asked for this pain, and this pain i got... and now im closing my doors to anyone who wishes to be part of me..."