understanding meaninglessness

"you said i will always be your baby, no matter what... well, you lied!!!"

i can almost always feel the advent of pain everytime i try to check you out. whether on the phone or on your friendster account, you never fail to amuse the masochistic side of me.

i know mike is a nice guy. ateneo grad and all that. i can't find anything wrong about him. he's practically perfect for you. and it just adds up... to the pain...

that, and the idea of you and him doing the things that we used to do... on places that we agreed as sacred for both us... in the time of the day when i used to hug you and kiss you and hug you again and kiss you again and hug you again... and as i reminisce the good old memories of us together, the realization that you are with someone else now pains me... and it pains me alot!

you always told me how you would keep a picture of me in your cellphone, even if you'd have someone new in your life. but now you're telling me that you have my pictures from your cellphone deleted already. i can understand that.

you told me that i will always be your baby no matter what. you told me that you may have a new boyfriend but i will still be your one and only baby. but now that you have a new boyfriend you call him baby too... still i can understand that.

i was afraid to go to our website. afraid to see our pictures together also deleted. believe me, i even got some stomach ache just thinking of it... somehow, i managed to get pass through the writing of our website's address and pressing the 'enter' key... and i was there... clicking the photos hyperlink is even more difficult... i was, however, relieved to see our pictures still there... but if you plan to delete them, don't worry... i can understand that...

after wrting this, i'll call you through the phone (again, sigh!)... i hope you're safe at home already, i have been calling you since 8pm from my office phone... i'll call you not to win you back... i'll just talk with you... till i get tired... these are the actions i don't know why i am doing... THESE actions, i cannot understand but i succumb to the idea...

"when i get tired, it'll be easier for me to sleep... but before i sleep i'll pray to God, if He exists, to give me strength. or maybe, i'll just wear my demi-superhero costume... again..."