winning through

i have never experienced triumph as this, i won you from mike and i continue to live...

victory is sweeter if its beyond reproach. i won and i continue to live...

and i came to fade

the world keeps on revolving 'round the sun... time keeps on passing by... people keep on changing, so as the weather and Marina's story... my watch keeps on ticking... vehicles keep on passing south super-highway... and i, like all these, should go on...

even though i don't want to let you go... i must... i don't know how but i will use every iota of strength i have to do it... i have to set you free...

i feel sorry for myself for hanging on to promises... promises, promises, promises... i guess promises are really meant to be broken... or probably, just probably, promises are, like my demi-superhero costume, just excuses to the quintessentially non-existent.

my day is now dying to a night, and as every night-sleeper rests, so as i... fading on the background, i wish you all the happiness... as i fade to the background, i let go of my grip... my fading to the background, assures you of freedom... faded, i wish to continue to live...

good bye... love...

"...and the irony of it all is when romeo woke up, juliet lay lifeless beside him -- or so he thought..."

understanding meaninglessness

"you said i will always be your baby, no matter what... well, you lied!!!"

i can almost always feel the advent of pain everytime i try to check you out. whether on the phone or on your friendster account, you never fail to amuse the masochistic side of me.

i know mike is a nice guy. ateneo grad and all that. i can't find anything wrong about him. he's practically perfect for you. and it just adds up... to the pain...

that, and the idea of you and him doing the things that we used to do... on places that we agreed as sacred for both us... in the time of the day when i used to hug you and kiss you and hug you again and kiss you again and hug you again... and as i reminisce the good old memories of us together, the realization that you are with someone else now pains me... and it pains me alot!

you always told me how you would keep a picture of me in your cellphone, even if you'd have someone new in your life. but now you're telling me that you have my pictures from your cellphone deleted already. i can understand that.

you told me that i will always be your baby no matter what. you told me that you may have a new boyfriend but i will still be your one and only baby. but now that you have a new boyfriend you call him baby too... still i can understand that.

i was afraid to go to our website. afraid to see our pictures together also deleted. believe me, i even got some stomach ache just thinking of it... somehow, i managed to get pass through the writing of our website's address and pressing the 'enter' key... and i was there... clicking the photos hyperlink is even more difficult... i was, however, relieved to see our pictures still there... but if you plan to delete them, don't worry... i can understand that...

after wrting this, i'll call you through the phone (again, sigh!)... i hope you're safe at home already, i have been calling you since 8pm from my office phone... i'll call you not to win you back... i'll just talk with you... till i get tired... these are the actions i don't know why i am doing... THESE actions, i cannot understand but i succumb to the idea...

"when i get tired, it'll be easier for me to sleep... but before i sleep i'll pray to God, if He exists, to give me strength. or maybe, i'll just wear my demi-superhero costume... again..."

the delight in defeat

"i am on the phone, talking to you and your new boyfriend... it was painful, but i asked for this..."

8:35PM -- fighting the temptation to call you over the phone, i found myself in the middle of the swirls of Maelstrom and Charybdis, dialing your number with a span that seem to last for hours digit after digit... the last one being the most painful to press... "ringngngngng"... i can't believe i pulled that last one. moreso, i can't believe i'm hearing the ring on the other line.

you said, "hello". i missed my que. hearing nothing, again you said, "hello?". you're voice really does send excitement down my spine. while i can't believe what you told me earlier (that you are already committed), i shouldn't be surprised to accept that our conversation started with your retelling of how sweet you spent your time with your new boyfriend yesterday (which coincedentally is our supposed 14th month-sary). you asked me if i want to talk to him and out came the silliest, dumbest, and most masochistic word i said my entire life. i said, "YES." so you put me in conference with your new boyfriend...

the pain increased exponentially every second. within a few moments, i was bursting from within... a cry originating from the deepness of my heart wanted to be voiced out... a cry so overwhelming trying to overcome my egoistic approach on this matters... i was speechless for a few seconds... afraid to open my mouth for this is the time my emotion has been waiting for - the time to let you know that i am hurting. but i was stronger.

when we parted ways, days back, i made a vow unto myself never to be seen weak - never to be seen crying - especially by you. and so you will never know. that, in the face of defeat, instead of crying, you see me standing tall -- joyed.

between the reader and me, you were just a fictional someone. you were just a mind-created pain, artistically personified.

"i asked for this pain, and this pain i got... and now im closing my doors to anyone who wishes to be part of me..."

the parody of joy

men knew from the dawn of time that he can achieve what his mind can conceive... probably, to escape from the self-mockery of what he thought of as defeat. psychology taught him to feel numb when his arms are barb-wired together, to deliver babieswithout anesthetics or to surrender all his possessions for paper-money.

"demi-superheroes are half-superhero, half-human beings... i am one of them... "

"superheroes are strong... built to last... never to tremble... can handle pain... will endure... -- i am this! or atleast i psyched myself i am... im afraid to lose all in the sight of those who bring me pain... i dislike the idea of adding pleasure to their satisfaction.... and i seek not deliverance from this fear, im totally fine with it... i think of this as a challenge... for i am strong, i never cry - i will not cry... i'm afraid, but superheroes should not be afraid, they never fear... probably i need to undergo a crash course on how i can be more efficient on this aspect... some time soon, i wish..."

"humans are weak... built to deteriorate... never to overcome... cries at pain... dies after all... -- i am NOT this! or atleast i psyched myself i am not.... humans are dishonest, they are not transparent... they would try to come up of ways to ease their pains... to relieve themselves of burden... they psyche themselves like they are superheroes and they don't like the fact that they are gullible..."

now, i am a superhero, but i am really human -- to mimic happiness, i exert effort to always wear a good smile... to conceal the tears, i have my faded 3-weeks-without-any-wash hankie (and it still smells nenuco) ... to embrace reality i bring with me my superhero costume made from titania-fluorovinyl-acrelate-steel... this, to protect the human inside me, to house the flesh that wounds easily, to guard me against suffering... to imitate joy, i am never sad... i elevated myself up to the next phase of my self-made evolutionary stages...

in the same degree im afraid i fall short of strength, and fell to the weakest link list, i have to admit defeat -- yeah, im afreakin loser, but atleast im man enough to admit it...

"demi-superheroes are half-superhero, half-human beings... i am one of them..."

on a piece of paper

i was scrambling for the deadline and i wish i were three (trinity?) so i can catch up with it. unfortunately, wishes only happen in scenarios where i have a rusty ol' lamp in my hand or when i am trapped in a far away and deserted island in the carribean or when i became a good boy the whole year round (which is not); and so the inevitable occured and i was late for 6 minutes.

although im not efficient, im nontheless, effective. this, according to my boss, is ok for as long as time is not as important as a hundred peso fine for every tiktak late.

laid back and trying to ease out a bit, i find myself in the mood for writing a piece - a song, a love song... it's finished and i will be posting it soon (complete with chords) ... it's the writing of the song i would want to focus with...

"i have with me an old guitar from a colleague who happens to be a close friend of a close friend, a scratch paper to scribble something in and a justice league sign pen to do the scribbling. and as early as my behind has touched the sofa in the lounge where i will be staying, words started pouring in to my head... filling every inch of me with emotions... some jovious, others sad... some are naughty, some are bad... and i can't understand what words will add with what so as to complete a whole thought... my head is circling and i continue to fall within the moment - abused by muses...

"i heard myself sing. the tune of it sounds good - well, not that good, but still good... the words are perfect, the tune is right... i'm loving the very thought this madness procreated... i'm enjoying while i drown into oblivion... and i couldn't care less about the time, and i forgot pain... i didn't remember the fact that i was hurt - during this time.

"it's funny how a simple piece of paper recorded the thousand words i wish to say... and as i murmur into it the lyrics, the tune of my strumming eloped with the words... i made a complete intercourse with music and i continue with overjoy..."


the day is about to die, its half past five... i found myself on the lounge's sofa -- slept-striken... aha! i fell asleep. the lyrics is on paper - above the table in front of the sofa - the guitar beside me. alas! i remembered every pain back again.